


i’ll be the love of your life inside your head

by lottielotsof



Series: 21 // rini [3]
Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pining, inspired by 21 by Gracie Abrams, self discovery/character studyish, the other characters aren’t really present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26307079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lottielotsof/pseuds/lottielotsof
Summary: When Nini meets Ricky, it feels like fate. He’s unfairly beautiful, sickly sweet, incomprehensibly fun and charismatic, and he fits into her like a missing puzzle piece. There’s eight billion people on this Earth and Nini has no doubt that it’s fate or destiny or whatever bigger universal force that brought them together at this very shitty community college in Utah.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Series: 21 // rini [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1787995
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	i’ll be the love of your life inside your head

**Author's Note:**

> \- it took me 2 months to get this fic out but it’s finally here!!  
> \- i started hating it while i was writing it which is why it took so long so. it’s a little bit of a dumpster fire  
> \- dedicated to the hive but especially cath for asking me every few weeks how the fic was going and forcing me to actually write it  
> \- i have very little knowledge of how colleges work so. just go with it really.  
> \- i also invented a college because i call it shitty throughout the whole fic and i didn't want to insult anyone's school

When Nini meets Ricky, it feels like fate. He’s unfairly beautiful, sickly sweet, incomprehensibly fun and charismatic, and he fits into her like a missing puzzle piece. There’s eight billion people on this Earth and Nini has no doubt that it’s fate or destiny or whatever bigger universal force that brought them together at this very shitty community college in Utah.

They meet in their shared literature class, then at a café close to college, then at her dorms while she’s coming in and he’s leaving, and they keep meeting and meeting until Nina is only sure of one thing, Ricky Bowen is meant to be in her life.

She’s never been very straightforward, always more on the timid side, always afraid to take too much space or too much time, but she takes a deep breath and walks up to Ricky with as much bravado and confidence as she can muster. He’s reading, sitting in the nook of a window, seeming almost confused at whatever some philosopher was saying and she stops right in front of him, towering over him until he’s forced to look up. “Hey,” she says.

“Hi?”

A silence lingers between them as it slowly dawns on Nini that she had not thought of anything else to say. She panics, her brain speeding to find something to say, coming blank as she watches Ricky stare at her in straight confusion, almost weirded out. She feels like she’s out of her body, a ghost in the corner seeing herself embarrass herself but unable to do anything about it, out of existence.

“Cool.” With that, Nini spins around and runs, fleeing the scene as fast as she can, her cheeks flushed with humiliation and shame, and she plays the scene over and over again in her head the entire day. Cool?

__

Thankfully, her total embarrassment isn’t a total loss, because once her literature class rolls around Tuesday morning, Ricky Bowen crashes in the seat beside her, looking at her with an amused smile.

“Hey, Cool Girl.” Nini’s face scrunches at the nickname, her mortification growing, and she wishes she could stop existing in a quick blip.

“Can you erase that whole memory from your mind, please?” She almost sounds desperate, looking at him in the typical shame she’s been bathing in for almost a week, her cheeks flushed. He is not less amused.

Ricky laughs and she has no doubt he’ll answer something teasing, maybe even mocking. She wouldn’t even blame him if he did. “I’m afraid I quite like the memory.” Nini gapes, staring at his entertained face and wishing she did not find him so attractive. “See, it’s not every day pretty girls come to me, tell me hi, and flee with a cool.” Nina tries not to blush too hard about the pretty girl thing, but it seems like quite an impossible feat, the words already rolling in her head like gospel. _He thinks I’m pretty_.

“I’m Nini.” She smiles, already feeling a little more confident, finding footing on the simple fact that Ricky was not totally repulsed by her and her klutzy introduction. He smiles back. 

“Ricky.”

“I know.” Nini freezes, realizing what she just said, and slowly closes her eyes. She hates herself. She really does. She doesn't know why she wasn’t blessed with the flirting skills her friend Kourtney has, why she can’t flip her hair and bat her eyes and have people fall under her spell, why she completely embarrasses herself in the two (2) conversations with a cute boy she manages to have. Nini wants to be effortlessly cool and approachable, and instead she sounds like a stalker. 

When she reopens her eyes, rationalizing that she can’t hide in the comfort of her own mind forever, she finds that Ricky is not gone. He does not look at her with fear or concern, not even an ounce of weirdness, and instead adorns a dashing grin. 

“I think we’re going to get along, Nini.”

__

They meet again at the library and, once again, Ricky is the one to come to see her. He drops on the chair beside hers, frightening her in the process, and opens his books like he was meant to be there all along. They don’t talk for a little while and Nina is too scared to start any type of conversation. She stares at her opened book, clearly sees there are words laying on the pages, but cannot find herself mentally capable of reading a single one of them, too hyper focused on Ricky’s presence. 

“What’s your favorite animal?” Ricky finally asks, his eyes still fixed on his books, and if it wasn’t for the loud shush the librarian gave them Nina would have almost thought he hadn’t talked at all. 

“Orcas,” she whispers back, feeling herself breathe again, relieved at the lack of silence. 

Ricky looks up, resting his chin on his fist, a thoughtful expression on his face. He watches her like he’s picking her apart in his mind. “Really? I wouldn’t have peg you for an orca type of gal.”

Nini raises an eyebrow. “Is there a science behind favorite animals?”

“Of course.”

She laughs, and there’s an air of ease installing itself between them, her shoulders relaxing as she feels the tension leave her body. She sits back in her chair and looks at him like he’s utterly ridiculous, but she is willing to humour him. “What does it say about orcas?”

“That you’re fun and strong, that you’re willing to listen for treats, that you’re always close to cracking.” He looks like he’s stopping himself from laughing. 

“You just made this up.”

Ricky lets out an offended cry. “Did not!” The librarian shushes him.

She shakes her head in laughter, almost in disbelief. Nonetheless, she adds on. “What about you? What’s your favorite animal?” Nini never wants to stop talking to him. 

“Bears.” He sounds almost childish, like the way little kids talk about fast cars and cool pokemons. There’s a duh tone to the word that is not lost on her. “It means that I am powerful and skilled, that I am both friendly and scary, that I like honey.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Conversation flows naturally between them, and she doesn’t even realize when they change subjects, talking about books and classes, about movies and conspiracy theories, about musicals and their favorite artists. It's an endless spin of tales and stories. When Ricky walks her back to her dorm in the late afternoon, dropping her in front of her door with a regretful smile, Nini finds herself already missing him. He turns around and walks back to the stairs he came from, and she wishes she could scream, could run after him, could ask him to stay. She enters her room and lets the door slam behind her.

__

Ricky asks her to come take a coffee with him and they go to the same place that they met (Nini met him, he stood there and looked pretty). It’s a trendy place and the coffee costs aborringly high, but it’s cute and comfortable and apparently the only good coffee in town (Ricky is a bit of a coffee elitist, even though he fervently denies it every time Nini makes fun of him for it). They sit in a corner of the café and pretend there’s not a group of hangover college students hanging out on the other side. She almost considers drowning her coffee with sugar just to see the offended look that would take up his face. She takes a sip of her drink with the malice the idea brought still in her eyes. 

“So,” Ricky starts as he brings down his black espresso from his lips. From the short start of their friendship, Nini has come to find out she never knows where he’s ending his sentences. “How did you end up at Utah Community College?”

“How most people end up here, I suppose.” She shrugs casually, like she doesn’t even care. 

To be quite honest, Nini cares a lot. She tells herself that community college is a respectable option, and she seriously thinks it is, but not for her. She always had big dreams, big expectations for herself, big plans. In real life, Nini is so tiny.

“Not enough money, not good enough grades. I like the flexible schedule, though. Gives me a chance to really explore.” She puts a pretty bow on her lie, just like she’s done with anyone who’s asked. 

Ricky nods in agreement. “Yeah, it confused a lot of people when I said I wanted to go to UCC, but I really think it was the best decision.” Nini watches him as she absentmindedly plays with the spoon in her mug, twisting around. There’s not an ounce of insincerity on his face, and Nini thinks he might actually love Utah Community College. 

For a split second, Nini is filled with envy, and she wants nothing more than to have Ricky’s life.

__

Ricky gets her a blueberry muffin every literature class and she snacks on it as she watches with amused eyes Ricky drink the shitty coffee from the college coffee booth and wince after every sip. They spend most of their breaks between classes together, reading their books in silence or running errands or trying to discover every nook and hidden spot in school. If they’re not together, they’re texting. They share song lyrics excerpts, send memes they find inexplicably hilarious and cute animal pics (every day for a month straight Ricky sends her orca pictures and asks her how she feels about it), rant about their days, vent about their lives. They visit the town together, her on her bike and him on his skate, and Ricky even tries to teach her to skate, which she fails at miserably when she almost breaks her neck and refuses to ever get back on one. They have picnics in parks and sometimes even get motivated enough to go hiking. When the temperature slowly grows colder, he comes over to her dorm all the time until her roommate, Gina, gets annoyed and rolls her eyes every time she sees him sitting on Nini’s bed. They have movie nights and watch all the classics, Twilight and Indiana Jones and Rocky Horror Picture Show. They both go back home for the holidays and Nini misses him terribly, a missing piece of her life, of her existence. She smiles when he texts her first that he misses her and she spends all break giddily looking at her phone until her moms tease her about it. 

When they get back from the break, Nini barely has time to say ‘hey’ that he grabs her face and kisses her. She opens her mouth to him in a semi second, racks her fingers through his curl, tastes the toothpaste on his tongue, and it’s all just right.

__

Nothing really changes when they start dating, to be quite honest. They already shared almost every moment of their lives together, except now there’s kissing. A lot of it.

They kiss before entering class, quick and shy, leaving them wanting more. They kiss in the nooks they had discovered earlier this year, rushed and hungry, when they’re incapable of staying away from each other one second more. They kiss between two bookshelves in the library, their hearts beating with want and thrill, trying to keep quiet as moans threaten to spill out, always ready to running if they ever get caught. They kiss at her dorm when Gina isn’t there, Nini straddling his lap as he kisses up her neck, leaving her dazed, and they only stop when they hear the keys jaggle in the door. They kiss while laying in the grass when the weather warms, something lazy and soft, quick pecks as they take in the sun. They kiss at parties, when they’re just slightly tipsy and they taste like booze, giggling through all of it. 

They go ice skating and have a snowmen competition (which Nini absolutely crushes, but she lets him win because she’s nice). They make hot chocolate and when spring shows its head they make popsicles. They go to Las Vegas for Spring Break and spend the entire time trying to sneak in bars and complain about how little you can do in Las Vegas when you're underaged. They play bowling, because it’s the only thing to do around here, and become somewhat of experts. They take long walks and fall asleep in the parks they find refuge in. They go swimming and Nini spends most of the time tanning, until Ricky is bored and drops her in the pool. They read books to each other, Frankestein and Wuthering Heights and, of course, the entire saga of Twilight. They have long drives in Ricky’s car when they get in a specific kind of mood and Nini wonders why they haven’t made out in the backseat on his car yet (and then they do.)

At the very end of their freshman year of college, Nini tells him she loves him. She’s known for months now, maybe even since the exact second she saw him, and it feels just right. He doesn’t say it back.

__

They try to see each other during the summer, but it feels different, distant, and Nini is afraid it’s all because of her and her silly love confession. She watches him pull away from her and there’s nothing she can do about it. She feels hopeless, desperate, and sometimes she gets paralyzed by the sheer idea of Ricky breaking up with her. She starts to flee, sees him as little as she can, ignores his calls. She knows it’s stupid, but Ricky can’t break up with her if he doesn’t see her, and she’d rather miss him than lose him.

Unfortunately, school starts again, and Nini has to come to terms with the fact that she cannot avoid him forever. She lasts a whoping three hours before Ricky corners her in a hallway. 

“What the fuck is going on with you?” The words are rushed, frustrated and almost angry, and they hold an intensity she had not expected. He sounds exhausted. 

Nini feels her fears grow, feels the tightness in her stomach and the weight on her heart. She doesn’t want him to say it. She considers running, feels her legs become restless, the blood rushing down to them, screaming ‘ _go, leave_ ’, but Ricky is looking at her with such ache that she finds herself unable to do so. 

She stares at him straight on, tries to fake confidence, to act as if she’s cool and collected, and asks, “Are you going to break up with me?” 

“What?” His whole face frowns in confusion, like his brain couldn’t even understand the words. He sounds so genuinely surprised, so genuinely perplexed, Nini feels relief wash all over. “No? I was going to ask you the same thing.”

Her eyebrows furrow. “What, why?”

“Because you’ve been avoiding me,” Ricky shouts. He’s visibly angry and she doesn’t really understand why. Clearly, this was all a misunderstanding.

“Well, you’ve been distant,” Nina accuses, her tone unnecessarily defensive, but she kind of feels attacked. “I thought you were going to leave me because I told you I love you.” The words come out as a whisper, much less assured, much less angry. She feels vulnerable and a little bit ashamed. It’s the first time Nini has said those three little words since she was met with blank, the first time acknowledging she has ever said them at all. 

Ricky sighs, “I’m sorry.” He looks up at her and for a second, Nini has no idea how it’s going to end. “Not to be a cliche, but I have issues with love, mom leaving things, but I know it wasn’t fair to you. I just- I really like you, Nini. Really like you. If you’re ok with that, I don’t want to leave.” 

She hears somewhere far and bright angels sing something cristallic. There’s light in the world, gravity has lessened just a tiny bit to leave her flying the slightest bit. Everything is magic. Everything is right. 

“Of course I’m okay with that,” she grins, cheerful and giddy. 

There’s a lightness to her steps as she runs to him, throws herself in his arms, tightens her arms around his neck like she’s still afraid of losing him, like he’s going to fly away any second. She feels his face nuzzle in her neck, and she’s so acutely aware he’s in her arms she might cry. When Nini kisses him, it feels like coming home, and they brush away all the strain of the summer.

Maybe Ricky doesn’t love her, but he really likes her, and for now, it’s enough.

__

Nini presents Ricky to her friends from high school around October. She had not dared to do so yet, afraid of scaring him off with commitment and love and the slow but sure collision of both their lives together. However, it’s been a few months since school has started, and even longer since the love confession, and she thinks it’s finally time. Ricky doesn’t seem that excited at the prospect, but he doesn’t know how awesome her friends are, so she’s not that scared.  


She invites her roommate, Gina, to come too.  


Even though Nini is pretty sure Gina doesn’t like her - or at least has no interest in being her friend - they’ve moved in together with a couple of other people in an apartment off campus. She’s managed to lure every single one of her roommates in a friendship, finding their weaknesses and the things that made them crack and forcing her warmth and love onto them. She hasn’t made Gina crack yet, but she hopes this will help.  


Plus, having another stranger to her friends will surely make Ricky more comfortable, less alone amidst the laughs and the inside jokes and the obvious history.  


Nini loves her friends like she loves most things, all heartingly. They all mean the world to her, all hold a special piece of heart, all come together to fill her life like a mismatched quilt. She thinks she wouldn’t be much of a person without the people surrounding her.  


Kourtney is her best friend, the person she’s cried and complained to for longer than she could remember. They’ve known each other for so long Nini almost forgets there was time they weren’t in each other’s lives, and every time she does, she is filled with an inexplicable sadness. Ashlyn is one of her closest friends, met through the theater department, a little bit weird but full of the warmest energy. Seb is a sweetheart, pure and nice, and Nini loves the way he wholeheartedly believes in things. Carlos is her fiercest friend, confident and unwavering, unafraid and unapologetic. Nini often wished she was a little bit more like her friends.  


Nini loves her friends and she loves Ricky and she is unbelievably happy to mesh them all together. While she’s sitting here beside her boyfriend, laying her head on his shoulder, listening to one of Carlos’ stories, watching all of her friends cry in laughter, she doesn’t care that she had to force them together through begging and pouty smiles. She’s happy. They all belong in her life.  


Ricky chats with them, a beer in hand, his other one laying on Nini’s thigh. He traces patterns on her skin as he tries to make smalltalk with a room full of strangers. Nini thinks he’s charming as always, but when they all get tipsy and their words start slurring with memory, obvious nostalgia at the times they were young and stupid and didn’t feel the full extent of the crushing and choking feeling of having to find out who you are and who you want to be, Ricky just stops talking. He’s closed off, half listening and half lost in his thoughts, and Nina starts to grow annoyed.  


It’s not like she asked him to marry her. He should be making an effort.  


Around midnight, the bell rings, and Nini is shocked to see Gina at the other side of the door. She really hadn’t expected her to come at all. “You got booze?” Gina says, nonchalantly, sounding almost bored. It almost seems like Nini is the intruder knocking at her door, and not the other way around.  


“Uh… Yeah?”  


“Great,” Gina’s smile is crisp and fake. She looks inside expectantly, “Can I come in?”  


“Of course,” Nini moves aside and lets Gina step in, looking around the apartment with half curiosity. It feels a little awkward, a little wrong, and Nini thinks something really bad must have happened for her to come all the way here. “Are you okay?” Gina shrugs and makes her way to the living room.  


Gina greets everyone, pretends to listen as they tell her their names, and makes a beeline for the kitchen where the alcohol is. Ricky watches her go, claims he wants a drink himself, and quickly follows behind her. Nini sits back down.  


Nini stays there, listening, as her friends talk about school. The conversation was expected to come up, such an important part of their new lives, and they can’t just drown in memories all night. Still, Nini was not quite prepared to hear all of them talk about their big and fancy universities, about their spacious campus, about their libraries filled with old and worn books, about their 100 students classes. She feels frozen in her spot, stuck as she’s forced to hear about their grandiose plans and lives. Honestly, Nini doesn’t know how she ended up at a community college, but she feels ashamed for her six years old self big on dreams and hopes, so much so that she forgets how to talk all together, red and green. When Kourtney complains about Berkeley being so difficult, she wants to smother someone with her burning envy. Even herself, if need be.  


At least, Nini has Ricky. A shining light in her misery.  


She hasn’t seen him in some time now, all cold and alone in the recliner they shared, and she lets her eyes travel with curiosity to the kitchen. Gina and Ricky are still there, drinks well started in hands, giggling like children, heads close together, decidedly not leaving any time soon. Nini shouldn’t be jealous, they’re allowed to be friends, but it’s the first time she’s seen either of them smile all night and she cannot help but feel angry.  


It’s unfair. Everything is unfair.

__

Nini doesn’t like confrontations. It’s apparent by the cold shoulder she has been giving Ricky all night, distant and a little bit out of it, silent. He notices, surely he must, but he doesn’t say anything. She’s itching for something but she doesn’t know quite what. 

“Did you like my friends?” Nini breaks the silent first, unable to keep inside all her restless energy, about to burst with too many emotions to start comprehending them. She’s almost annoyed that she had to speak first, had to swallow her pride and break the silence herself, and she makes sure it’s felt in her passive aggressive tone. 

Ricky could not have missed the ice dripping from her words, but it’s either that or he decidedly ignored it. “Yeah. They’re cool.”

“Really?” Nini snorts, but it’s mean and aggressive. There’s more diplomatic ways to approach the subject, but she’s tired and she’s been burning for hours. “Because you haven’t really talked to them at all, so how would you even know?”

This time, it’s impossible for Ricky to ignore the bait. “I didn’t have much to say.” His tone is guarded and it’s clear he chose his words very carefully. He can feel the fight brewing.

It’s obvious to him that was still the wrong thing to say when Nini lets out a dark chuckle, then gives him a wide, sarcastic smile, a bit too wrong, a bit too fake. “You had tons to say to Gina, though.”

“Is this what this is about?” Ricky says, his tone slightly teasing, and Nini grows angrier. No. Yes. Maybe. To be honest, she doesn’t know why she’s angry, just that she’s on fire and he’s there. “Look, Nini, you have nothing to worry about. It’s-“

“I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t talk to my friends,” Nini snaps, frustrated, crossing her arms, cutting whatever soothing words he was about to say.

“And why I would talk to her?” He finishes for her, a rictus in his smile.

“This isn’t about Gina,” Nini cries (and she’s not even sure it’s true). “Is this about your ‘issues with love’?” Perhaps, she should have been nicer, less blaming, less lashing, less biting. She says the words with an almost disgust and Ricky flinches, just for a second.

His face straightens, losing his usual warmth, his usual fun. “I just wasn’t comfortable.”

“But why?” Nini presses. “Surely it wasn’t because they were strangers, because you had no problem with Gina. And it wasn’t because they sucked, because I know them and they're _awesome_. So why?” She sounds desperate. “Because meeting my friend is too much commitment? Because you’re afraid of love?”

“Why do you even care?” Ricky exclaims, pissed and defensive. She’s been playing in places he never likes to visit, in uncomfortable and bruised wounds. 

Nini screams back, “Because I need to know it’s not always gonna be like this!”

Ricky loses the angry furrow in-between his eyebrow. “Like what?” He sounds hurt. Nini quickly fires down. She calms down to a low simmer, something subtle but undeniably present. She’s tired.

“I don’t know. Running to the kitchen. Not trying.”

Ricky listens to her, silent. It looks like he’s not quite registering the words. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”

Nini sighs. To be fair, she doesn’t know what she wants from him either. _Not this_ , she thinks, but she’s not sure what it even means. Everything feels a little pointless. 

She takes a breath, then shakes off the fight, sounding defeated as she whispers, “Let’s go to sleep.”

“You’re not mad anymore?”

“How could I ever be mad at you?” She smiles at him and he grins back, relieved. She feels like she’s lying to his face.

Ricky leans in for a quick kiss and she lets her stress melt on his lips.They get under the covers, silent, the sound of their thoughts louder than the ruffling of the sheets.

Nini curls herself against Ricky, in the way they always do, her head on his chest, her leg draped over his, his arm snaking around her middle. He’s warm and known and she almost forgets why she was mad at all. Everything is right.

__

The next few weeks pass by as if nothing had happened between Nini and Ricky, but she can’t tell if it’s because it’s not important or because they’re ignoring it. She kind of wishes it was the former, would like to think it meant nothing at all except for tiredness and pettiness, but she finds herself not disagreeing with what she said once comes the morning and she doesn’t know what that means.

They’re good, though. They have game nights every few weeks with common friends, Big Red and EJ, neutral ground as to nor tip the balance of the universe, never monopoly. They make out in the basements of frat parties, dance and drink until they’re needy and happy, scotched to each other’s side. They go apple picking and make apple pies with everything they collected. They decorate two pumpkins, making a mess of orange guts, and none of them turns out to be that scary after all. They watch the first snow come down from the sky in childish excitement, and then complain about the white blanket for the next few weeks.

Sometimes, Nini tries to talk about Ricky's mom, but he always turns cold and distant, pushing her away, so she stops trying.

“So, what are you doing for the holidays?” Nini says nonchalantly, playing with Ricky’s fingers. His head is laying on her belly and every time the movie they’re watching makes her laugh, his head shakes in the most comical way and he cannot stop giggling either.

“I don’t know. Probably just gonna drive up. I know my dad’s been missing me.” He shrugs, still a ghost of a smile on his lips.

Nini smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She said it nonchalantly, but it was not a nonchalant question. “Oh, cool. That’s great.”

“Yeah… What about you?”

“Gonna go see my moms, I guess.” He nods, clearly not as interested in the question as her, grinning up at her for a second before looking back at the movie. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, Neens.” 

Nini feels a weight on her chest and she doesn’t know why.

__

Nini spends the holidays hanging out with her moms and seeing the few friends that came back for Christmas. There’s less than she thought there would be, definitely less than last year, and it kind of starts to feel like everyone’s moving on beside her. She calls Ricky, needs to hear his voice as she contemplates how big the world is and how very small and unimportant she is, but he only answers the next day and by then she feels petrified she can’t even get the words out.

“Hey? Nini? What did you want to tell me?” Ricky asks, his voice tired and hoarse, liike he’s just waking up.

She freezes, feels her throat tightening up and the words choke on her tongue. “Um. Just… that I miss you. And I hope you’re having fun.”

“Yeah, I am.”

__

When they come back to Utah Community College for the second semester of the year, there’s an undeniable shift and Nini knows she’s the problem. It’s not about the relationship, it’s about her, and she can’t voice it without feeling like crying. Ricky notices, and he gently tries to find out what’s wrong, but she smiles and pretends she has no idea what he means. She knows exactly what he means.

To be quite honest, Nini doesn’t know where she’s going, or who she is, or how fast the world is spinning. She’s all out of balance and she’s terrified.

“Nini,” Ricky starts. They’re back in his room, laying on his bed, about to fall asleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” The word comes faster than she thinks it, simply natural.

Ricky sighs. He knows she’s lying. “Really?”

She’s laying on her side, hidden away from him, and she feels tears run up her eyes. She’s so close to telling him, so close to spilling everything that’s been building inside of her for weeks, so close to breaking. She feels the words on her tongue and the bitter taste they leave behind. “Really.” Nini tells herself, _if he asks one more time, I’ll tell him_.

“Alright,” he sounds defeated. “Goodnight.” Nini makes sure to be as silent as possible when she cries.

__

Nini doesn’t really know what to do with herself and these raging emotions inside of her, but she knows that she loves Ricky, and she thinks she should focus on the good things instead. So she comes to see him with an extra lightness to her steps, almost skipping, while he’s studying in the library. She has a chocolate muffin, just like he likes, and a fancy coffee.

“Hi,” she says when she appears behind him and he turns around with a jump. She smiles at him and bends down to offer him a quick kiss. “How’s the studying going?”

“Great,” he grins, before spotting the goods in her hands. “Is that for me? Because I might literally drop on the floor and kiss your feet if you say it is.”

“Better get to it, then.” She sits on the chair beside him and pushes the food his way. “Black so you can feel a sense of superiority with your coffee.”

He lets out an offended cry, “It’s not about superiority. Black coffee just tastes better. Maybe if you actually tried it you would know that-.” She cuts him off with a peck and pulls away with a smirk. Ricky is looking at her with pursed lips. “I’ll let it slide just this one time.” She smiles at him, cheeky and smug, and he wipes it off her face with another kiss. 

“Do you want me to test you?” She says once they pull away, looking down at his notes, and he lights up at the words.

They’re halfway through his studying, and she’s searching for a new question to asks, when Ricky says with a pleased voice, “You look different.” She looks up at him in surprise.

“Different? Different how?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know. Better. Happier.”

“I am,” Nini says proudly. Ricky knows her so well. 

She’s missed this, missed being with him in the simplest of ways, missed hanging out without everything feeling like a burden. She’s missed him. “I’m glad to be with you.” There’s other words she would have liked to say, but she doesn’t let herself linger on them.

“Me too,” Ricky nods. He looks at her with such attention, such intricate care, that Nini feels herself falling. “I’m happy when you’re happy, Neens.” That’s all she needs to hear to transcend to heaven.

Nini feels high on pink clouds, flying somewhere in her mind, light and cheery. They make each other happy. It’s fate, she knows it, that brought them here, in this shitty school, to sew them together. Every decision in their lives has slowly been guiding them here, to this cataclysmic collision of hearts and souls. Ricky might not be able to tell her he loves her yet, but she knows there’s something special between them, so it’s only a matter of time.

__

Nini is fine, absolutely and undeniably fine. She’s gotten great at shoving down any queasiness she could ever feel, and if she can’t quite bury them inside of her, she buries them with sounds. She goes to see Ricky and with a simple smile and a dumb comment of some kind, she’s cheered up and forgotten.

Ricky is everything she could ever need.

__

School ends and Nini feels a little lost again. She doesn’t quite know what to do now. It’s been officially one year since she told Ricky she loved him and she was answered with nothing. She knew it would take some time for him to come to terms with his feelings, but she didn’t expect this much time. It feels like they’ve been walking without moving all this time. Nini feels like she’s staying completely still while the world is running past her at lightning speeds and every second she is more and more aware of everything that’s passed her by. 

The heat is velvety on her skin. Nini and Ricky have been spending their summer laying in parks and eating ice cream and lazily making out. They’re hanging out late in the night on her balcony, drinking poppers like teenagers, and they’re whispering about something insignificant. He’s looking so pretty, so adorable with his slightly droopy eyes and giggly murmurs, so fun and smart and sweet, and Nini feels it. It’s like a rush to her heart, like a wave of excitement and something more, like a punch straight in the guts. 

Nini loves Ricky Bowen.

She almost says it. She considers it, for a second, has the words on her mouth and they feel so sweet.

“I’m gonna leave for a few days to visit my dad next week, by the way.” The words turn bitter and she chases them down with a gulp of poppers.

__

Junior year is where it goes wrong. It’s like a chain reaction, like nuclear energy building up inside of her, like the rapid descent to an explosion. To be fair, though, Nini has always been a ticking bomb.

It starts in the first week of October, when Nini and her roommates are hanging out in the living room, watching a cartoon, half of them a little high. Gina pops in with the flourish of her years of dance, taking her jacket off with an uninterested eye towards Phineas and Ferb.

“Hi,” she greets them as she walks towards the kitchen, opening the fridge somewhere distant, “Guess what I just found out.” Gina screams, and they’re all making stupid guesses with a laugh until she comes back with a beer in her hand. “Taylor got into MIT.”

“What?” The shocked screams resonate around her, but Nini feels stuck to her seat, breathing manually. Taylor was one of their old roommates who had announced she wasn’t coming back to the apartment this summer without any explanation. 

“Why didn’t she tell us?” Mallory asks when the initial shock settles down, taking a hit from her blunt with a slight shake of her head.

Gina shrugs, “She said she didn’t want to rub it in.”

Faye snorts, “Shit, she’s a better person than me, because if it was me I would flex the shit out of it.”

“It’s because you’re a leo.“ Mallory gives her a side eye.

“Very rich coming from a sagittarius.” The argument escalates and soon they’re making a list of the best astrological signs, Taylor long forgotten, but Nini is still silent.

She didn’t know people could get out. 

Suddenly, it’s like she’s drowning, suffocating in the realisation that she's truly stuck there. Taylor got out, but Nini doesn’t have the money, or the grades, or any prestigious ability to lure them in, and she’s so mediocre, and she hates UCC so much, and she really wishes she wasn’t there.

There’s a rapid kaleidoscope of everything in her life flashing before her eyes and she wonders where she went wrong. Nini can’t think of any particular moment that switched the tides for her and suddenly she’s hit straight in the face that she was always destined to end up here. She hates it. _It’s not fate_ , she realizes, _it’s doom_.

It’s this exact feeling, the feeling of waste and glue, that triggers everything.

__

Nini grabs her jacket and runs out of the apartment without saying anything, a rapid flash of hair and difficultly held back tears. For a quick second, standing in front of her apartment in the cold, the sun slowly setting down, empty and blank for the first time since the news dropped on her like a thousand tons, staring around the street like she doesn’t quite recognize it, Nini wonders, _what now?_ She thinks of Ricky right after, running to his apartment as she tries to ignore the whispers in the back of her mind that she should’ve thought of him sooner, and she didn’t, and it means something. 

She knocks on the door twice and Ricky answers, looking to his left to whoever, leftover of words and laughs still on his lips. When he looks at her, disheveled and watery eyes, looking so troubled and restless, he loses his smile. “Nini? Are you okay?”

Nini shakes her head, her face squeezing as she can’t hold herself together any longer and burst in tears. He opens his arms, like a mechanism, and she runs home. She holds onto him like she’s going to fly away, her last piece of rock, and she cries and cries. His fingers caress her back with such care and attention, like he’s going to break her, and she tightens her grip on him.

They make their way to his room, but she’s so busy crying it’s all a blur. She realizes for the first time they had moved at all when she opens her eyes and sees his familiar blue walls covered with posters.

“Nini? What happened?” He’s trailing a thumb on her cheek, wiping away the tears staining it. 

“I just,” she starts, but doesn’t know where to end. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything.” She feels another wave of tears come to her and she snuggles her head back in his neck.

“Shh, you’re ok, everything is ok.” Ricky racks his fingers through her hair. “I’m here now." Nini gets unreasonably angry. 

It’s unfair, really, it’s not his fault she hasn’t told him anything, and she’s been denying everything every time he dares ask. But she doesn’t think she’s been ok in a long time and Nini wonders why he wasn’t there before. Suddenly, Nini doesn’t want to be in his arms anymore, and she’s itching for a run. She tries to push her way out of his arms, but he holds her tighter, and then she gets so angry and so sad and so tired she just gives up and cries some more.

Ricky tugs her to his bed, and he caresses her back while Nini closes her eyes, but as she drifts to sleep, she thinks she should feel more at peace than that.

__

When Nini wakes up the next day, eyes still red and bloated, there’s a plate of crepes facing her and an anxiously waiting Ricky staring at her like he had just been anticipating her awakening. She’s a little disoriented and she sits up as she looks around the room. 

“I made you crepes,” Ricky says as if she could not clearly see the plate. “They’re the best breakfast treat, by the way. It goes crepes, pancakes, waffles.”

“Thanks,” Nini manages to let out, her voice hoarse, and she sits a little straighter to drag the crepes towards her. She feels ravenous.

They stay in silence for a moment, the sounds of cutlery the only noise in the room, and Ricky stares at her expectantly. He’s waiting for her to talk.

Ricky can’t seem to contain himself any longer. He says, concerned and a tiny bit curious, “What happened yesterday?”

Nini squeezes her eyes, the harsh memory of yesterday coming back to her stronger than ever. She doesn’t feel like talking to him, but he’s looking at her with this intensity that seems so rare. Nini has to admit she’s not being fair.

She takes a breath, then swallows down her uncertainty, before finally opening her mouth. “Taylor got into MIT.”

“That’s great,” he exclaims, joyous, and then sees her face. “Or not.”

“No, it’s great,” she assures. “But I don’t know. It just… it made me realize that my life has kind of been a clusterfuck for two years and I’m not really happy with it, you know? I think I’ve been denying that for a really long time and it just… hit me really hard.”

Ricky comes to sit beside her. She feels that it’s now becoming a serious conversation, so she puts the crepes on the nightstand. “But it’s not… All bad.” His tone is hesitant and his words are dripping with meaning.

Her first instinct is to reassure him. “No, it’s not all bad.” But then, Nini thinks about how much she wants and expects and wishes and how little she gets back, and she wonders if she’s kind of lying. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s not… all good either.”

She hears the breath catch in his throat. “What?”

“It’s just- Do you love me, Ricky?”

There it is. The words that have clawing at her throat for so long, whirling in her mind, shaking her in her sleep. Nini wants him to love her. He sighs.

“Nini…”

“No, I know, issues, mom leaving things.” Nini turns to him, filled with something so entirely consuming, hope or love or desperation. “But it’s almost been two years since we started dating, and I told you I loved you more than a year ago, and nothing has changed. It’s like we’re in the same place and-” She runs out of words to explain her feelings. Instead, she looks at him straight on, “I love you, Ricky.” It’s a relief. Nini only now realizes how much she has been holding back from saying it. “I really love you.” 

Ricky opens his mouth, looking around the room, overwhelmed and perturbed. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Tell me you love me,” Nini pleads, unfaltered. She’s willing to beg, willing to scream. “Just this once, at least.” He stays silent. “I don’t know why you can’t say it.” She exclaims, feeling herself get impatient. “It’s been so long. I knew I loved you since the first time I laid my eyes on you, Ricky. You were so beautiful and nice and funny and so perfect. I can’t even imagine a world where I don’t love you. Don’t you feel the same?” He stays silent. Nini’s world slows around her. She whispers, “You don’t love me?”

“It’s just-“

“Oh god.” Dread falls on her. “Oh God.” She stands from the bed. “I think I’m gonna go.”

Ricky is quick on his feet. “Nini, wait-” 

“No,” she cuts him. “You’ve made your feelings perfectly clear.” There’s a tremor in her voice. Ricky grabs her arm, forces her to whip around, holds her back. “What?” She snaps, annoyed. She needs to go. She can’t stay here. “What do you want?”

“I have feelings for you, Nini. You know that.” Ricky is fighting back tears and his grip on her arms tightens. He’s looking at her like he’s desperate, like he’s scared, and Nini almost thinks he deserves it.

“Yeah?” The word is unnecessarily cruel. “Well _‘I really like you’_ isn’t gonna cut it this time.” 

Ricky doesn’t say anything, too shocked or too distressed, but there’s only three words he could say to change things anyway. She takes a breath, looks at him. She thinks it might be the last time and, filled with this agitated sorrow, engraves all the secrets of his face in her mind. “I can’t- I can’t keep doing this. I want more.”

“Why? Isn’t this good? Aren’t we good?”

“No!” She screams and he reacts to it like a slap. “I don’t know, Ricky.” Nini shakes her head, tears in her eyes. It’s over. She can’t believe it’s really over. “I can’t keep running in circles.”

“I can’t lose you.” Ricky is begging, holding onto her like she’s already slipped away. His voice breaks, tears on the edge of taking him over, and it’s almost angelic.

Nini takes a time to build herself up, to stop the few runaway tears sneaking past her defense, to look right in his eyes and find the strength to say, “And I want you to love me. I guess neither of us is getting what they want.” 

Nini turns around, tears her arm from Ricky’s hold, and runs. It’s only when she’s outside of his apartment, looking around the familiar street, that it really hits her. Nini left.

__

Nini hasn’t had a lot of heartbreaks in her life and, for the few ones she did nurse throughout her life, none of them could have ever prepared her for the mindshattering pain that being torn apart from Ricky feels. She mopes around everywhere, barely listens in her classes or when her friends unsuccessfully tries to cheer her up. She feels heavy and sometimes she wonders if the trouble of standing is worth it. She’s a burden to everyone around her and after a while, she doesn’t even see the point in talking anymore.

Nini is a total, irrefutable mess. She misses Ricky with her entire being, every parcel longing to see him. But when she catches a glimpse of him between two classes, messy hair and warm eyes, familiar lips, lopsided smiles, she finds herself only missing more, a earthquaking agony overtaking her and forcing her to run away crying.

She cries a lot. Every night, she wishes for the universe to just end right there. 

__

Things get better, little by little. Nini never stops missing Ricky, mourning him, but it lulls, becomes a quiet sort of pain. She finds herself smiling, laughing, chatting with her friends. She goes out and dances, hangs out at parks and sleeps under trees. She thinks about him as little as possible, banishes him from her mind, and only focuses on the things that make her happy. Life starts again, slowly, and she feels almost reborn. 

Nini doesn’t want the universe to end anymore. Just, maybe, slow down a little. 

__

Nini goes to visit Kourtney for the summer. She spends the entire week unraveling the burdens of her mind and her heart. She’s got so much to say, so much to think, and it’s miracle Kourtney is capable of keeping up with the entangled mess spewing from her mouth.

“I think you did the right thing,” Kourtney says, but she’s always been quick on the break up trigger. “Now you can finally focus on yourself.”

“Yeah,” Nini nods, absentmindedly. 

It slowly dawns on Nini that she really doesn’t want to focus on herself. The last times Nini did, she was filled with an inexplicable sense of being no one, or at the very best no one important, no one memorable. She’s been so distracted with the breakup, with Ricky and the recovery of his empty space in her life, she hasn’t had a second to think about herself. 

Nini comes back from the trip with something on her shoulders.

__

Apparently, Ricky gets a boyfriend during the summer. They have an adorable height difference, and Ricky goes up to his tippytoe just to kiss him, and they hold hands everywhere, and they’re undeniably cute, and Nini hates it.

__

If Nini was honest with herself, she would admit that she’s jealous. However, Nini is not honest with herself, so she’s just in a bit of a funk. She watches with uncontrollable eyes as they spend all their times together, trailing in the same spots her and Ricky used to. She’s filled with melancholia and her entire body freezes in pain every time his new boyfriend bends down and presses a peck on Ricky’s lips. 

Nini thinks of nothing else.

__

By a miracle of twisted fate, Nini and Ricky end up at the same party a Friday night, forced together in this tiny apartment. They pointedly ignore each other at first, flee when one enters the room, avoid eyes when they cross paths, a meticulous dance routine of never coming in contact. It’s all really pointless, however, when Nini places her empty cup on the coffee table, gets up from her place on the couch, slurring her words as she announces to no one her pressing need to pee, and turns the corner of the hallway to find Ricky already waiting for the bathroom. 

She stops in her tracks, considers turning around and leaving, but her bladder is screaming for her to stay and she’s too stubborn to let him win. Nini fakes all her confidence as she walks up to Ricky and stops right beside him, staring straight ahead to the wall, ignoring him. She’s so winning this one.

“Hi,” she says finally when she can’t take the silence anymore. It’s 1 for Nini, 1 for Ricky, but she can live with it if she’s not forced to stand there and try to stop herself from bursting at the seams.

“Um… Hey?” It’s all so familiar and a smile worms its way on Nini’s face. 

“What’s your favorite plant?” She has a teasing look, much more friendly than if she was sober, and Ricky laughs, the corner of his eyes creasing from the memories.

“Sunflowers,” he answers, and there’s a warmth she had not expected from him. “Does it mean anything?” He says, a deviant look on his face. Nini misses him. 

She nears her face closer to him, whispering with an inconspicuous look, “No.” Ricky roars with laughter. Her heart fills with the strangest feeling, hot and wanting, an overwhelming feeling of coming home. 

Maybe it’s the alcohol pumping in her blood, or whatever else is beating in her heart, or the fact that she’s spent the last year empty without him, but Nini says, “I miss you.” 

Ricky freezes. He seems distant when he answers back. “You can’t say that.”

“Why not?” There are surely good and smart reasons, and Nini might know them in other circumstances, but she’s not quite herself today. 

“Why not?” He repeats in disbelief. “Because you dumped me, Nini.”

“And so I’m not allowed to miss you?” She snarls, crossing her arms and frowning. She’s looking quite childish. 

“You don’t miss me,” Ricky sneers. He’s looking vicious and he seems like he’s about to say something lashing. “You miss the distraction.” Her frown furthers, confused. “Admit it. You were only using me because you were fucking miserable and you needed something to ignore it.”

“That’s not true!” Nini exclaims, defensive. She feels like she’s being attacked. “Why do you care anyway? You’re with Jake now.”

“Jason.” Ricky says harshly, simmering with anger.

Nini rolls her eyes. “Same difference.”

“I can’t believe you. You have no right to be jealous.”

Nini lets out an offended cry, “I’m not jealous.” She’s lying.

He stares at her head on. “That’s great, because I really like Jason and I don’t want you to come back and fuck things up.” It feels like a knife to the chest. 

“Good,” Nini snaps, as biting and mean as she can make it. “Because I don’t want to come back.”

“Great.”

“Awesome.”

“Terrific.”

Nini rolls her eyes, “Oh, grow up.” She whips around. 

She leaves the party in a hurry, grabbing her coat and only half putting it on as she runs out of the door. She realizes outside that she’s crying. “Fuck.”

__

Nini is in a terrible mood. She’s aching and burning and angry. She doesn’t want to ever see Ricky Bowen’s face again and yet she wants him to come back to her and take her in his arms in the same breath. 

Mostly, Nini is terrified that Ricky is right. 

__

Gina crashes in Nini’s room a Sunday morning, opening the curtains for the first time in weeks, blinding Nini, and says, “You really gotta get out more.” Nini spins around to hide herself, a vague groan coming out of her lips. It’s not enough to discourage Gina. “Come on, I know you broke up with your white boy, but you’re letting him win by acting like this.”

“Why do you care?” Nini mutters, her words muffled by the blanket she’s hiding her head in.

Gina sighs dramatically and sits down on her bed, crossing one leg over the other. “I hate seeing good women mope over mediocre boys.”

“Ricky wasn’t mediocre,” Nini exclaims, turning around to look at her with an offended frown. She’s found a life she hasn’t in weeks. “He was kind and funny and he used to make me laugh all the time and he knew me like no one else and he always started conversations with the weirdest-”

“Whatever,” Gina cuts her, a bored expression on her face. Nini fires down. “I didn’t come here for speeches. Get up and take a shower, girlie, we’re going out.”

Nini drags her feet when Gina forces her out of the house, trailing behind her energetic steps with a resigned pout. She’s deliberately difficult at first, but with the manicure and the cute restaurant with an even more adorable terrace and the undeniably fun and distracting conversations, Gina manages to bring Nini out of her shell. She’s laughing as Gina tells her crazy stories from her life, and gives back just the same, fervently avoiding the past three years of her life. Gina is great and Nini is so glad to finally spend time with her. 

They end the night at a club, dancing and sweating their lives away, so drunk they barely remember why they’re here in the first place. Nini feels happy, the room spinning around her, flashes of light and colors, it’s a discotheque of images. 

“I want to feel like this forever,” Nini shouts to no one in particular. She hasn’t felt this great in months. 

“What’s stopping you?” Gina screams back, absentmindedly, like she’s not really looking for an answer. 

Nini slows for a second, her movement descalading, and she wonders with a slight frown: _What has been stopping me?_ And then she thinks, in a paralyzingly horrifying realization: _I'm not distracted anymore_. To shut down the thought, she takes another shot.

They come back to the apartment, whispering and giggling, swirling words and falling over furniture. They’re trying not to wake their roommates, shushing each other before bursting into laughter. Nonetheless, they make their way to Nini’s room. She opens the door with joy, a squeal grazing her lips, and she crashes down on her bed with a happy sigh. 

Gina snorts, clearly finding her hilarious, and Nini turns around to look at her. “Thanks for tonight.” 

“No problem.”

She sits up on the bed, chuckling. “You know, I’m surprised you tried to cheer me up. I didn’t think you liked me very much.”

Gina’s smile crisps. “I just don’t want to see you so hung up on Ricky.”

Nini sighs, falling back down on the bed, “I don’t want to be either.” She feels tears prickle at her eyes and she curses herself for being so sensitive when she’s drunk. Just his name, and she kind of feels like dying. “I’ve just been so confused lately.” Her voice cracks in the slightest bit and Gina comes to sit beside her. “It’s like did I love him because of him, or did I love him because I needed to love someone to make everything in my life make sense.”

“I don’t know.” Gina pats her back tentatively, clearly not knowing what to do. “Can’t it be both?”

“No.” Nini’s tone is harsh and certain. Gina doesn’t add anything, but there’s not much to say. With the slightest voice, Nini whispers, “I think I’m selfish.” 

Gina takes a breath. “We all are.” Nini turns once again, looking her in the eyes. She’s a visible mess, tears delicately streaming down her eyes, scared and confused, on the edge of breaking down. “Ricky is too,” Gina presses. “He didn’t break up with you even though he knew he couldn’t give you what you wanted. It hurt too much to let you go so he just let you suffer.” 

Nini vaguely nods. She hadn’t really thought about it that way, hadn’t really thought about Ricky’s actions. He was never planning on telling her he loved her and yet he knew, he must have, that she was waiting at the end of all his sentences for the three words. She always wanted more, always asked, and he always turned cold. Maybe she wasn’t the only one to blame. Really, it was great that Gina brought so much clarity to the situation and-

“How do you know?”

Gina frowns. “What? What do you mean?”

“I never talked to you about my breakup.” Nini’s voice is cold and distant. There’s something brewing in the air. “How did you know what happened between me and Ricky?” Her words burn. 

Gina fumbles, looking around the room. She’s stuck. “We just-” Her words trail and she’s clearly looking for an excuse, racking her brains for an explanation. Nini sits up.

“Don’t lie to me, Gina. How do you know?” Nini feels dread growing in her belly, feels fear and apprehension. She’s waiting for Gina’s words like a criminal waiting for his sentence.

Gina stares in the distance, silent. Nini can see the clogs turning in her head. When she turns back to look Nini straight in the eyes, she looks sorry. “Ricky came to the apartment the day you guys broke up.” It’s a punch right in the face. 

Nini remembers the night she had spent at her friend’s EJ house after the breakup, too emotional to go back home and face the reality of the situation, needing the hugs and the cheery attitude of her friend. Ricky had come to visit. It didn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t they tell her? What was he going to say? Why did he never tell her? Her mind was whirling with the new information, trying to make sense of all of it as she felt more and more dizzy.

Nini stares at Gina with watery eyes. She doesn’t want to ask, but she says with an emotional voice, “What happened between you two?” Gina closes her eyes. 

“We kissed.”

Nini stands up. “Oh, my God.” She doesn’t even feel the tears on her cheeks, doesn’t feel the hit of the blow. She’s almost numb from shock. “I can’t believe this.” 

“Nini, I’m so sorry,” Gina pleads, but Nini’s already left the room. “We were just drunk and sad.” She’s screaming after her, following behind Nini as she runs around the room collecting her things. “I swear, it didn’t mean anything. I’m sorry.” 

Nini opens the front door, boots and coat messily put on, and Gina grabs her arm, trying to keep her in. Nini spins around, glaring at her. “Don’t.” Gina lets go and Nini is out the door in a second.

__

“Fuck you, Ricky Bowen.” Nini yells as soon as Ricky opens the door, a flurry of tears and anger. 

Ricky frowns, still sleepy from the harsh wake up call of Nini banging at his door. He looks like he hasn’t even registered her presence, much less her screams. “What?”

“Fuck. You.” She repeats, ice cold, and she feels the blood pump in her veins. She’s on top of the world and she wants it to burn. “I can’t believe you gave me all this _shit_ when you kissed Gina.” Nini spits, the words filled with disgust, and Ricky freezes in shock. A vindictive smile makes its way on her lips.

“Let me explain,” Ricky starts, definitely awake now.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” she cuts him, already on a roll. “You acted like the victim all this time, like poor little Ricky getting his heart broken by his big bad girlfriend, meanwhile you had your tongue stuck in the girl you told me not to worry about’s throat.” Ricky flinches.

He takes a step out the door, closing it behind him. He looks freaked out and Nini revels in this switch. She wants him to feel miserable. “It’s not like that –“

“I was crying my eyes out because I missed you so much, Ricky,” Nini starts and she feels the emotions, feels the ache and the exhaustion and the heartbreak of the last year come back to her like a killing wave. “Because I loved you with everything that I had and you didn’t give a shit about me.”

“That’s not true-”

“And I watched you as you found somebody else and I listened to you as you told me that this was all my fault and that I was using you and that I didn’t care about you.” She’s crying and she hates it. She wants to scream. She wants to burn. She wants to bite. She’s just pathetic. “And I believed you! I fucking believed you and I blamed myself.” Her lips tremble. “But you’re the one that didn’t care. All this time.” Her voice breaks. “You didn’t care.” Nini is so tired.

“It was just a spur of the moment thing,” Ricky’s voice is bleeding with desperation, with plea, and Nini realizes with surprise that he’s crying too. 

“A spur of the moment?” She sneers. “Really? You’re going with that?”

“I came to your apartment to get you back, Nini.” He’s talking fast, spewing the words out, like he's afraid she'll be gone any second. “But you weren’t there, and Gina was, and-” 

Nini smiles cruelly. “Wow. I’m so glad me and Gina are interchangeable for you.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Ricky whispers. He’s looking tragically broken and Nini is glad she’s not alone. “You mean everything to me, Nini. You always have.”

Nini shakes her head. She doesn’t believe him. “No, fuck you, Ricky.” There’s something definitive in her voice. “I regret wasting so much of my life on you.” Tears are falling down her cheeks but her words are crystal clear. “You’re not worth it.”

Nini leaves before he can even try to say anything else. There’s nothing left to say, anyway.

__

The next day, Ricky tries to talk to her, but if Nini is good at one thing, it’s running.

__

Ricky is at Nini’s door bright and early, waiting with an apparent nervosity. She considers slamming the door in his face, but he looks so sad, so expecting, so anxious, that she can’t bring herself to do it.

“Ricky? What are you doing here?” She doesn’t have any fight left in her.

“I love you.” 

Nini stops, staring at him with a shocked look, mouth agape. She thinks she’s dreaming, or imagining it all together, or maybe she’s just gone completely crazy.

Ricky sees she’s not saying anything, so he goes on. “I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened this past year. But I love you, Nini.” He smiles wide and there’s something foolish and hopeful in his eyes.

Nini is at a loss for words. She opens her mouth, fumbling. “I don’t know what to say.” Ricky’s smile falters.

“Say it back.” He speaks so gently, but the beg is clear. 

Nina lets a grin, but there’s something sorrowful to it. “Of course I love you, Ricky.” 

“Good.” He looks like a kid on Christmas, childishly grinning. “Because I wanna be with you, Nini.”

"What about Jason?"

“I broke up with him,” Ricky blurts the line like it didn’t mean anything, like Jason was no one to him. “I love you, Nini. I was so afraid to feel it, so afraid to make it true. I thought that if I loved you, you would rip my heart apart. But not loving you was so much worse.” Ricky takes a step, hopeful. “So let’s just start again.” 

Nini wants to say yes. She tastes the word on her tongue and the idea flutters in her chest. She’s felt Ricky’s absence for the past year like a missing limb, the phantom of what they used to be haunting her. They were great, king and queen of a world off somewhere, a bit too crooked to ever stay. “I can’t.” It rings like the bells after a tragedy.

They stay silent for a second, feeling the dust of her answer settled on the ground, the aftermath of a war. He’s surprised. “What?”

Nini feels herself tear up. She almost can't believe she's saying it. “I can’t forget everything that’s happened.” There’s a mess of emotions in her voice. “There’s too much.”

“Who cares?” Ricky’s growing desperate, throwing to the wind any hesitations. It sounds like imploring.

“I care,” Nini exclaims and Ricky takes a step back. “We’re not the same people we were four years ago, Ricky. We wouldn’t work anymore.”

“How can you say that?” His voice breaks. Nini can see he’s on the verge of crying, difficultly holding himself together, and the sheer sight of Ricky hurting is a stab to the heart. 

She takes a harsh breath, feels a tear stream down her face, feels her lip shake. “It’s not like I want to do this, Ricky. But everything we did, everything we said....” She’s resigned. “It’s a little too true.”

Ricky closes his eyes, processing her words. When he opens them again, he looks revive with a new energy, and he walks to her, takes her hands. He’s pleading to her alter, begging for her to change her mind. It’s his last try.

“Please don’t do this.” Every word is emphasized.

Nini shakes her head. “I’m sorry.” He looks down, defeated. They’re beautiful messes, two lovers torn apart, and she feels her heart being ripped from her chest. 

“What’s the saying about right person wrong timing?” Ricky whispers when he looks back up. He’s given up.

Nini lets out a chuckle, sniffling. “I think that’s the whole saying.” A ghost of a grin teases his lips.

Ricky presses his forehead to hers. “I love you.” It’s so intense, so complete, so climatic. 

“I love you, too,” Nini whispers. She’s reveling in the feel of saying it, in the taste of the words. It’s the last time she’ll say it. “I love you so much I hope all of this won’t stop you from saying it to someone else again.” 

Ricky shakes his head, tears streaming down his cheeks, and he looks like he has more to say. But instead, he presses his lips against Nini. She opens her mouth like it's second nature to her and welcomes him home. Nini racks her hands through his hair, tugs him closer to her, and he pulls her in from her waist. It’s intense and passionate, tastes like salt and blood, and it feels like the last time. (It is.)

__

Nini graduates in late May. It’s an exceptionally sunny day and Nini thinks it’s very appropriate. She’s wearing her graduation gown and a white summer dress, and there’s just the slight taste of possibilities on her tongue. She holds her diploma proudly.

“Congratulations,” Nini spins around, but she doesn’t need to see him to recognize Ricky Bowen's voice. She hasn’t really seen him since that morning on her front door, but he looks good. She smiles.

“Thanks. You too.” There’s running families embracing each other and crying, but Ricky and Nini do not hug each other. They stick out like a sore thumb, two pieces not fitting.

“Where are you off now?” Ricky asks, conversationally, but Nini thinks there might be a bit more meaning there.

“Boston.” She answers with an uncontrollable excited grin. She’s been giddy about it ever since she finally figured out where she wanted to go next. Everything isn’t so scary anymore, so big. “I think the change of scenery would be good for me.”

Ricky gives her a sincere smile. “I’m glad.” He sounds genuine. “I’m going back to Salt Lake City.”

“Going back to your roots!” Nini cheers excitedly and he lets out a low chuckle.

“Yeah…”

Nini looks at Ricky, really looks at him, and tries to remember everything about him. He’s so different from who he was the first time she met him, yet undeniably familiar, and he fills her with the same warmth he always has. Nini knows she’s gonna miss him. “You know, even if we had a bit of a tragic ending, you’ll always mean so much to me.” 

Ricky nods, looking slightly taken. “Me too. You’ll always be a part of my youth.” Nini grins. It sounds almost poetic.

Somewhere off, her mom calls Nini's name. “Well, I gotta go.” She says the words, slowly, savouring the last moments. “Goodbye.”

“Yeah,” Ricky says, a hint of sorrow in his voice. “Goodbye.” Nini turns around and leaves, running back to her moms.

There's no fate in the world, but maybe Nini will see Ricky again someday.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're like who's gonna tell her community college is only two years? i will answer back that some of them offer bachelor's degrees too now. i googled it.


End file.
